Am I a Monster (don't insult me)?

My best friend and I used to be so close until i let my jealousy take over and i have made her cry like 3 times and yelled at her and she's has seen me take my anger out by punching and denting walls and lockers (i never hit her though) and i don't know why that one part of me was still angry when seeing the hurt and tears in her eyes and believe me i hated seeing that much pain in her eyes. I can't really forgive myself for how much pain i caused her. Am i a monster for this?